Time is Precious

Reflection #3

alarm clock

It has always been said that women do not know what they want. As much as I would like to fall into the category of women who can denounce that fact by going after exactly what they want, I cannot. Looking back on last year, I realize that most of my frustration was brought on by confusion.

I had trouble deciphering the needs from the wants. I wanted to be [insert type of person here]. I wanted to do [insert activity here]. I felt that if I could just accomplish this want, then I would be happy or more satisfied or fixed, BUT I learned that it does not work like that.

One of the problems was that I was basing these wants and needs off of everyone and everything else. What they needed and wanted or what they thought I needed and wanted. I never really dug deep inside myself to figure out what the root of my feelings really were.

I really struggled with feeling alone. Of course I had friends and people around, but I wanted more… I wanted to be chosen and I wanted to be invited (and given the opportunity to decline). That was always such a big deal to me and I could never really figure out why I cared so much. I am an introvert, so spending time with people should be the least of my wants, but it never was.

Resolution

I need to analyze myself and really learn about who I am inside and what makes me tick. There are reasons I feel certain ways and I just have to pinpoint what they are. So I set out to figure out why I seemed to crave just an hour out of my friend’s day or a conversation here and there and what I found out is that I cherish quality time.

quality time

I took this quiz and my results were so accurate it was scary! As I read more information on being a ‘quality time’ person, it all made sense. Having this kind of insight into my own personality made me view my feelings and actions in such a different light.

This past semester was especially difficult, because friends who I was accustomed to talking to and spending time with had graduated and I was feeling quite neglected from the few friends I still had around. Instead of changing my mindset, I just holed up and isolated myself which only made matters worse.

It feels so good to have some clarity on why I was feeling the way I was and I am hoping to start learning more about myself and the people I care about, so I can be the friend that they need!!

Spin Master

Reflection #2

bowling

Always trying to figure out who the crowd around you expects you to be is exhausting. Never feeling comfortable in the situations you find yourself in is frustrating. That was me last year. Over-analyzing every little thing about every little thing. It constantly gets you down, because you are normally always lacking in something.

I would second guess all conversations and interactions, beating myself up after realizing that if I had done this or said that it may have ended slightly better. Eventually I just could not find the good anymore, everything resulted in something negative. Well, I cannot live like that anymore.

Feeling comfortable in my skin and being the wacky human being that I was created to be has been on my mind a lot. I want to stop second guessing, over-analyzing, and feeling inadequate, because I do not believe those qualities come from God, but instead are a result of the insecurities that I chose to focus on.

Resolution

So I have decided that positivity is going to be my word for 2016. Being positive and finding the positives in every situation. For example, this past Tuesday I went bowling with some friends and I suck at bowling. I prefer to do things that I am good at, because I am a sore loser, but I make an exception for bowling.

Well, like usual, I am doing really bad and can’t seem to knock down all the pins, but one of the guys that was playing with us was really good, but seemed to knock down 9 pins every time. So instead of being the sore loser that I am, I decided that 9 was going to be the goal. Sure enough I knocked down 9 pins on my first time up for the second game. I never did again, but it felt good!

The 9 pin goal really caught on and all of us started aiming for 9 instead of 10 and it made for a really silly and fun night! So many laughs and so much encouragement, but I think it helped us not get upset at ourselves for not being the best, because we were only aiming for 9. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it really worked!

We were all just obnoxiously encouraging to each other, giving each other high 9’s, and making a big deal out of whatever was knocked down. I would bowl every day if it was like that. I really hope to put that much effort into finding the positives in every aspect of my life, if I am good at whatever I am doing and feeling confident… or not!

But another thing that was great about that night were the friends who allowed me to be absolutely myself. The best part was that they joined in on the ridiculousness that was the 9 pin goal. It completely made my night and I am so glad to have people who remind me that being me is enough!

Unintentional Hurtful Words Still Hurt

It is finally a new year. With the beginning of a new year comes so much promise and hope and intention, but also reflection. 2015 was a whirlwind of emotion from the very start to the very end, so I have a lot to think over.

I have yet to make any resolutions, because I never stick to them, so I figured I will just take it one reflection at a time and see how I want to approach it differently.

Reflection #1

typing

Quickly after last year started, I felt like I was drowning. Nothing was going the way I planned or the way I wanted. I became so frustrated, angry, and irritable. I needed a safe place to try and get my thoughts out; since I type faster than I write, I decided a blog would be a good option.

The blog started as a positive outlet, but gradually turned into a place where all I did was vent and complain about all the negative situations in my life. It could be about literally anything or anyone. At first no one knew about the blog, so I would say whatever I wanted in the heat of the moment as I typed out my frustrations and clicked publish.

I very rarely thought clearly about my posts, because I always felt better after getting all of my clouded thoughts out of my head. I also did not think about the effect these words might have later on, because I wanted everything I said to be raw and real. BUT in reality some of the thoughts I have do not need to see the light. Ever!

Having such anonymity through the blog in the beginning turned out to be a not so good factor. It ended up being more of an encouragement for me to write mean things about the people in my life that I did not want to say to their face, but I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone (because for one I never expected them to read it).

Although not everything I wrote was malicious or negative; some posts I was extremely proud of or felt gave good insight into how I felt, so in the end I gave the link to a few friends not realizing what I had written in the past. Well hidden things never stay hidden, so those post were read, feelings were hurt, and trust was broken.

It took me awhile to realize that what I put out there can be interpreted however the reader wants to take it and that my friends do not like to be written about in a negative light no matter how I feel in the moment.

Resolution

Sincerely apologize to those who I have hurt by my words. I am so notorious for blowing off their feelings, because “that is how I felt” but I understand now that is no excuse and that speaking to them personally would have been better than airing our disagreement or my frustration to the world wide web.

I also want to be more mindful of what I say and how I react to people and situations. I cannot pinpoint when negativity started to cloud my mind, but I want to find the good and focus on the positive. I have learned that dwelling on and catastrophizing the bad that happens does not lead to a solution.

Asking for forgiveness will be a slow and difficult process, but I need to right the wrongs that I have caused. I know that through prayer and positivity I can do it, but I need to go about it without the expectation of immediate forgiveness. It will take time, so patience and understanding will also be required.

2016 Reading Challenge

Reading Challenge

I am moderately disappointed and slightly ashamed to say that I did not reach my goal of reading 40 books in 2015. Although 29 is not awful, I just feel like I let Netflix take the reins last year, but I am hoping to decrease my Netflix watching and get back into my favorite hobby and passion that is reading!

In addition to pledging to read 35 books this year in the 2016 Reading Challenge through Goodreads, I am going to complete The 2016 Reading Challenge from Modern Mrs. Darcy as well.

This list seems extremely straight-forward and I already have a few ideas for what to read for at least half of the requirements. I am looking forward to reading a book you own but have never read and a book that was previously abandoned. The most challenging will be a book you previously abandoned (because there are QUITE a few!) and a book you’ve already read at least once (because I very rarely re-read books!).

Overall, I am very excited to get started, because there is nothing I love more than reading and getting to mark things off of a list! 🙂

Happy New Year Everyone!

Last Year Does Not Disappear

Happy New Year’s Eve!

January 1st holds such a special place in the lives of all of us. Even if you do not write resolutions, make mental goals, or tell yourself you are going to change at least one thing in the upcoming year, you still look forward to it. It symbolizes a clean slate, waking up fresh, a deep breath.

We often view it as our latest chance. Having friend troubles, no worries, you can make new ones. Having relationship problems, no sweat, you can look for someone new. Having school issues, no big deal, you can do better this semester. Having money struggles, no problem, you can actually get a job. Instead of dealing with the things that are currently not going as planned, we have the mentality that we can just up-and-change our lives, because it is the start of a new 365 days.

I would be lying if I did not admit that I am one of these people. I like pushing aside what I need to work on, telling myself I will deal with it a different time when I am really just waiting for the year to end so I can start over and just forget about what I have slid under the rug. But we cannot do this. The people in our lives matter even when they are being difficult. The friendships we have made are important even when they seem to be slipping away. The way we view ourselves is vital even when we plan on loving ourselves soon.

Even though it is a new year, the hard times, the friendships, the grades, the empty bank account is all still there. So instead of starting a new story on a blank page, why do we not just revise our old one?

The year is long. Times will get tough. The excitement you have about your resolutions will fade. You will see that friend. Classes will start again. Your bank account will increase and dwindle. Let last year be a reminder and a guide to how we respond to these situations. By not forgetting about the mistakes or hurt, we can learn from them and better choose what path to take.