Why Am I So Unsatisfied?

I cannot figure out why I am constantly wanting to change or “fix” what I already have or who I already am.

Blaming the society I live in is not the answer. It is that I let the ways of this world get into my head. With this fast-paced, me me me, I need the newest best thing right now mentality that is thrown my way on a daily basis, it makes it very difficult to be satisfied and happy with who I am, the clothes I wear, the things that I have, the activities I like, the family I was given, the opportunities available to me… the list goes on.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 139:14

I know that nothing about me is a mistake or an accident. God created and formed me as an individual with unique abilities and interests. I was not made to be like everyone else, but neither were you. We were all made to be different and original, so it is difficult to stand firm in this when I am constantly being pushed to conform.

Honestly, needing the next best thing is not really a downfall of mine. I like my style and do not mind wearing inexpensive clothes and my old Jeep is definitely my favorite form of transportation. But I do fall into the trap of feeling that I am not worthy or enough for those around me. Yet I know that I am, because I am a work of God.

“In the day when God created man, He made him in the likeness of God.” – Genesis 5:1

I was created in the image of God! That is a powerful statement and one that I need to dwell on a lot more than I do. It needs to be more of a mantra that I repeat to myself anytime I start to feel unworthy. I am beautiful and special and look exactly the way God intended.

“… I shall be satisfied when I awake in your likeness.” – Psalm 17:15

I do not believe that God wants me to be sad or depressed or unsatisfied, but I do believe that He has given me the means to not be. He sacrificed his son, so that I could be SAVED, LOVED, and FORGIVEN. There is nothing about me that He does not know nor is there anything about me that He cannot restore.

God has a plan for my life and is just waiting for me to choose Him each morning and live accordingly. He is not just going to hand me what I want or wiggle his nose to morph me into what I think I need to be. He can satisfy every need and want that I have, but only if I let Him. 

“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” – Isaiah 58:11


Why I Prayed For Flashing Lights

Sometimes things happen so fast. Opportunities can fly by. If you blink or hesitate, you will miss it.

In my case, everything happened in less than a week’s time. Last Wednesday night I could not sleep, so I decided to roam the web. I saw an ad for a website that helps you find and apply for internships. I clicked on it and started applying for different positions I felt I could be good at. I figured I would not be chosen, but it would not hurt to try. By 5am and 8 applications later, I went to sleep.

The next morning I awoke to an email back from one of the companies I had applied to. It said they had looked over my application and wanted to schedule a phone interview. I was beyond shocked! I was not expecting any kind of response, so to be contacted the next day seemed like a great sign, but after that it seemed to go downhill.

I emailed back saying Friday before 2pm or anytime on Saturday would be a good time to call, but I did not receive a response that night. So on Friday I slept through my alarm and woke up at 10:40am to an email saying they would call at 11am. Strike One. I saw my life flash before my eyes as I jumped out of bed, gulped some water down, and talked to myself for a good ten minutes, so it would seem as if I had been awake for awhile. I emailed back saying 11am would be fine (because what else could I say) and then I received a response informing me not to be alarmed, but when I answer the phone she would be a woman… I had been referring to her as him in all of our email correspondence. Strike Two.

To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement, but she seemed goodhearted about it. In the twenty minutes before the phone interview, I was praying that He would help me be calm, take away my nerves, give me the words to say… basically not to sound like a crazed idiot. I kept repeating Philippians 4:13 and Joshua 1:9 to remind myself that I could do it and I would not be alone. I also prayed that He would make it blatantly obvious to me if this was an opportunity I was supposed to pursue. I even asked him not to hold back on the flashing signs.

The phone interview happened and it went better than I could have ever expected. The woman I spoke with was so nice, sweet, and made me feel comfortable in talking to her and being transparent with my answers. It was by far the best interview I have ever had! But God answered my prayer with a huge flashing billboard. The woman said that they were planning to do away with the position, because none of the applicants were qualified nor did they seem right for the job, but then my application came through and she said I sounded perfect! I figured that was my flashing lights.

I was feeling pretty confident after having been contacted so quickly, having a very successful phone interview, and feeling as if this was an opportunity God wanted me to pursue. We set up an in-person interview for this past Tuesday. Although I felt pretty great about the whole thing so far, I continued to pray that God would keep sending me obvious signs or that He would express to me what I was to be learning from this experience.

So yesterday I drove to Dallas for my interview. My first sign was that I made it there with no problems and an hour to spare. When I made it into the actual building the office was housed, I did get lost trying to find the correct tower and elevator bank, but my second sign was the lady He put in path to help me. In the moment I was so confused and having sensory overload, but instead of becoming overwhelmed I just took it all in and was able to be grateful the lady was there to help me find my way. The actual interview went (again!) better than I could ever have hoped. There were three interviewers, but I only felt a little nervous. They barely asked me any questions, but instead showed me some of the projects I would have a chance to work on. They also introduced me around and gave me a mini tour of the floor they worked on.

It was a surreal feeling being in such a big city, in a beautiful building, in a real company office for an actual interview. As I was on my way out, the main woman I had been communicating with stopped me by the elevator and told me how excited she was to have me join their team and how much she appreciated my ability to be transparent and how I was not afraid to be myself. This was my third sign. I have had issues with being confident in my personality; I am always wanting to tweak it to be what I think the situation calls for, so to have this woman who does not know me, express how much these qualities mean to her was exactly what I needed. I felt God was pulling me aside and telling me, “See Lauren, I created you like this for a reason and you need to be patient and wait for those who appreciate you and love you just as I have made you.”

So I did not pray that God would hand me this position. I did not want to demand anything from him, because I wanted to make sure it was an opportunity and a path He wanted me to pursue. I often get confused and frustrated when I ask God to show me things, so I wanted to make it clear to him that I needed some extra help in differentiating between things that are from Him and things that I manipulate to be from Him. This is why I asked him to be obvious with me and send me flashing lights.

Starting on January 18th, I will be the first Operations and Stewardship Intern for Buckner International. I am beyond excited to begin working with an incredible company with such sweet and genuine people as well as gain hands on experience! Through all of this, I have learned that not praying to get what I want can be more beneficial than specifically asking to have something I want handed to me, how important it is to check my email throughout the day, and how helpful setting more than one alarm can be. I have also gained about twenty confidence points and I have God to thank for that!