It is finally a new year. With the beginning of a new year comes so much promise and hope and intention, but also reflection. 2015 was a whirlwind of emotion from the very start to the very end, so I have a lot to think over.
I have yet to make any resolutions, because I never stick to them, so I figured I will just take it one reflection at a time and see how I want to approach it differently.
Quickly after last year started, I felt like I was drowning. Nothing was going the way I planned or the way I wanted. I became so frustrated, angry, and irritable. I needed a safe place to try and get my thoughts out; since I type faster than I write, I decided a blog would be a good option.
The blog started as a positive outlet, but gradually turned into a place where all I did was vent and complain about all the negative situations in my life. It could be about literally anything or anyone. At first no one knew about the blog, so I would say whatever I wanted in the heat of the moment as I typed out my frustrations and clicked publish.
I very rarely thought clearly about my posts, because I always felt better after getting all of my clouded thoughts out of my head. I also did not think about the effect these words might have later on, because I wanted everything I said to be raw and real. BUT in reality some of the thoughts I have do not need to see the light. Ever!
Having such anonymity through the blog in the beginning turned out to be a not so good factor. It ended up being more of an encouragement for me to write mean things about the people in my life that I did not want to say to their face, but I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone (because for one I never expected them to read it).
Although not everything I wrote was malicious or negative; some posts I was extremely proud of or felt gave good insight into how I felt, so in the end I gave the link to a few friends not realizing what I had written in the past. Well hidden things never stay hidden, so those post were read, feelings were hurt, and trust was broken.
It took me awhile to realize that what I put out there can be interpreted however the reader wants to take it and that my friends do not like to be written about in a negative light no matter how I feel in the moment.
Sincerely apologize to those who I have hurt by my words. I am so notorious for blowing off their feelings, because “that is how I felt” but I understand now that is no excuse and that speaking to them personally would have been better than airing our disagreement or my frustration to the world wide web.
I also want to be more mindful of what I say and how I react to people and situations. I cannot pinpoint when negativity started to cloud my mind, but I want to find the good and focus on the positive. I have learned that dwelling on and catastrophizing the bad that happens does not lead to a solution.
Asking for forgiveness will be a slow and difficult process, but I need to right the wrongs that I have caused. I know that through prayer and positivity I can do it, but I need to go about it without the expectation of immediate forgiveness. It will take time, so patience and understanding will also be required.